Don’t Worry, I’m here to Stay
Hi. It’s been awhile. I haven’t abandoned this place, I promise you I won’t either. Life has just been happening, and I don’t have any control over that. Senior Year has been kicking my butt. I’m finally done with the application process, now I’m waiting to hear back from about 15 schools. I’ve gotten accepted into SF State, and Sweet Briar College; an all women private on the East Coast. I’ve been trying to ace all my classes, but that hasn’t been happening. I put a lot of stress on myself to be perfect in every way, and it always leaves me feeling horrible about myself, and being mean to myself. School has been alright, I’m ALWAYS late to my first period which is AP Calculus. Also, the idea of prom has been stressing me out because some of my classmates want to have it at school, and I think it’s the MOST DUMBEST IDEA EVER. I could see if our school was super nice, but it’s not, so it bothers me because I’ve never been to prom, and I will not allow my classmates to ruin a night that is supposed to be memorable. Overall, my senior has been really stressful. I haven’t got to the point where things are actually fun. That’s school for ya though.
What’s Been Going On?
These past three months have been a little difficult for me. One of my family members passed away before Christmas, and it sort of caught me off guard. It was a Monday when I found out, and I just remember waking up thinking that I would actually have a good Monday, but that wasn’t the case. My nana told me that my cousin passed away earlier that morning. I was sort of close to my cousin. He was my favorite older cousin. He was the sweetest man ever, and wanted nothing but the best for people, and most of all he just wanted to see youth excel in life. By the end of the week we had plane tickets, and would be heading down to Dallas to celebrate his life. Whenever it comes to funerals, I become apathetic; even if its family members, but this funeral I was wrecked. It wasn’t fair, and nothing is explainable. God cant, and won’t come down to earth, sit on my bed, and tell me why he felt like it was time to take my cousin, and leave us feeling the way we did. I was upset with God. I’m upset with God because my cousin won’t be a husband to an amazing woman anymore. I’m upset with God because he won’t be present at any of his children’s weddings or graduations. I can’t do anything about it, that is what makes me most upset.
These past three months have also been challenging because I’m learning to be more vulnerable. I have a fear of being vulnerable, and being fully open to certain people. I’ve been in counseling since ninth grade, and I’ve made tremendous progress, but now I’m dealing with the walls that need a bulldozer to be broken down with. It’s hard. It really is. Counseling has always been a really hard thing for me. One moment I want to quit because it’s too much pain, and one moment I want to stay because I feel good after going, but I guess this is all a part of the healing process. We all have issues. As much as I want to be perfect, I’m not, and you aren’t either. And that is okay. Whenever it comes to emotions, I keep them in until I explode or I take them out on myself. I’m getting better at opening up though. I’m learning not to lie when people ask me “how are you doing”, and I respond with “I’m fine or I’m good”. I think I always respond that way because I think that people don’t care because most of them don’t, and because it like the “norm” to say you’re fine when you aren’t. It’s all a work in progress.
I’ve also being dealing with love and self-worth. I noticed that I chase after the people who I WANT to love me, and not so much after the ones that already love me. So when I want a certain person to love me because maybe I feel connected to them or I see how they are with another person, and I want to be loved like the other person, and I try to get to know them, they don’t love me to my expectation I feel like I don’t have worth because they don’t love me like I want them to love me. But, I’m in the progress of learning that my worth shouldn’t be found in someone loving me. And I’m still figuring out where my worth should be found in.
I’ve been dealing with this identity problem. I know who I am. I know what I want and value in life. But, since going to the high school that I attend I’ve constantly hear “You’re not the typical black person”. And it drives me nuts that most students in my school live into their stereotypes. Although I’ve gotten used to it, I still somehow take it to heart. I’ve always tried my best to live outside of my stereotypes because I don’t want to be seen as the “typical black person”. That’s not who I am. I am not who society wants me to be, and I will not be that person. It’s just really hard, and it’s just a lot of added pressure to try to break that stereotype for myself, but I’m doing it.
My relationship with God is forever stepping forward and falling back. It’s hard to want God so much, but feel like you aren’t good enough or you’re stuck in the same spot. I honestly haven’t made time to sit with God, and just talk to him. When I’m spiritually low, I go a little insane so these past weeks have been a little crazy for me. I don’t want to feel bad for not having enough time or always being too tired to read my bible. It’s just a rollercoaster right now.
“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”