wow. wow. wow.
I finally decided to get past some of my fear and post something. Here is a small update.
I am in my senior year of college…woohooo! Along with starting a 9 month leadership program at my church. My hope is that the next 9-months will be life changing. I’ll write more about my experience soon. I am taking three writing intensive course this semester, it’s only the third week of the semester and I feel defeated already. Two of these courses are research based; Experimental Psychology and Intersectionality & Identities. Feeling more educated than ever these days.
Last time I wrote something, it was personal and real. More real than I am comfortable with. I don’t like talking about my mental stuff because it’s a lot to deal with and I feel like people try to downplay my experience, so these past few months I have just not shared anything because of fear. I am genuinely fearful of sharing how i’m doing with people because I just don’t want to feel judged or crazy for my feelings. I also don’t like to seem that I haven’t gotten my -ish together because I go through these crazy cycles that are tiresome for me and I get tired of sharing the same thing because I feel like i’m not progressing. As i’m reading this over, I realize i’m going a little more in to detail than my liking, so to cut this short. I am learning to put more effort into taking care of my mental health. Reaching out and not retreating. Letting go of bad habits and prioritizing the things that will help and not hinder me.
The main reason why I am here, writing to y’all is to share something I had to do for my art class. Last week we watched this film called, “The Way Things Go” by two Swiss artists. The art film involved a long causal chain assembled of everyday objects. There is a small clip of it below. Before we started watching this 30 minute silent art film, my professor instructed us to write 5 bullet points on this question: What does this movie say about life, the world, and me? When the movie started, I didn’t think I was going to be able to write anything, but much to my surprise I had many things to say. Just so you know, the bolded title refers to the scene in the film.
Here is a small clip of the The Way Things Go. You’ll see the “tether ball” like object that I was referring to.
What does this movie say about life, the world, and me?
Tether ball like thing
Life doesn’t stop, it keeps going even when you may want it to stop and give you a break. It continues and while it continues, you get older and the hope for myself, is that while life continues to go on even when I get overwhelmed and want it to stop, is that I accept my life for what it is and what it could be if I keep the hope in myself.
Pan with two small candles burning
In order for anyone to be there best self, they have to take care of themselves. Also people have to put themselves first. It’s important not to bottle everything up. Within the film, the pan started to fill up with this foamy liquid and it eventually immersed the candles in it and the fire from the candles got bigger and spread. I totally understand not sharing stuff so you can process things and whatnot, but there is a point where you can allow thing to build up to the point where you “explode” and start lashing out even when you do don’t mean to. This is a lesson, I am working on constantly. I know it’s healthy to get things off your chest, but it’s a struggle for me personally. When I think about it, the world could be somewhat of a decent place, if people could express their emotions in a healthy way.
Orange table with cup swaying across
There was an orange table with a white cup swaying from side to side. I didn’t realize it, but as it was swaying from side to side, it got closer to its destination.. A lot of people have dreams of something and they pursue them, but sometimes people get discouraged because life isn’t linear and doesn’t go as planned. I’m going to be 22 in less than two months and this scene reminded me that things take time. It also reminded me to continue pursuing and to dream a little bigger because I am capable of achieving greatness. Just keep going and trust the process.
Two tires, two different pathways. The first tire had a bumpy course, but it still got to its destination. The second tire had a smooth path and rolled easily to the other side. For me, this represents that life isn’t gonna be “glitz & glam” as I like to say all the time. Life is bumpy, messy, and it doesn’t wait for anyone. Although, there are bumpy times, there are “smooth” days, where you feel like you have it together, invincible, and you are quietly reminded that, you, in fact can do this thing we call life. Another reminder I got was to not compare my journey to someones else’s. It may appear that they are rolling through life smoothly, but you just never know what people are actually going through. That’s also a small reminder to be kind to people in general.
Throughout this film was lots of fire. Fire used to ignite things, fire used to distinguish things, fire to make something explode, fire used to make something expand. For me, this represents fuel for life. Everyone has to find the thing that fuels them, the thing that keeps them going because if you don’t, i think you won’t get to burn as bright as you can. And I think that looks different for everyone. For myself, I know that there are things that will happen in life that will put the fire out, but the hope I have for myself is that I won’t let the fire stay out.
Doing this assignment provided some relief for me. It allowed me to step back and reflect, which I haven’t done in awhile. Life is a helluva a thing. It has been an overwhelming, but beautiful journey so far.
If you’ve made it this far, what did you get from this small clip, if anything?